Why a Battered Woman Stays or Returns
All too often the question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude.  Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment or they would leave.  Others may be told that they are one of the many "women who love too much" or "who have low self-esteem".  

SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem or self-concept is a measure of how we feel about ourselves.  Low self-esteem creates feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness, taking away the self-confidence needed to make decisions and to solve problems. When our own feelings and judgment cannot be trusted, solving even small problems becomes difficult.  Low self-esteem and poor self-concept often lead to a medical condition called clinical depression which usually requires medication or therapy to be effectively treated.
However, no matter what a woman's emotional state or self image, the truth is that no one enjoys being beaten.

FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS
In abusive relationships, the abuser maintains control of his partner's actions by physically, sexually, and/or psychologically abusing his partner. If the woman tries to regain some control, the unsuccessful attempts at stopping his violence reinforce her feelings of helplessness. As a result the assaulted woman may give up trying to break the cycle of violence.

DENYING AND MINIMIZING - SELF BLAME AND GUILT
Denying and minimizing the abuse are two ways of coping with his violence. Abused women frequently deny being victims of wife assault and that a pattern of abuse has been established.  Most women are used to looking after the emotional needs of their families.  When the family's emotional well-being is suffering, as it does when abuse is present, the woman tends to blame herself as she believe she has failed in her role to look after her family.  Some women have hidden the abuse for years because of the guilt and shame they feel. The partner usually encourages this thinking by blaming her for the abuse.  
A false sense of responsibility for the violence and embarrassment prevent her from telling others about it.  The woman can often find other excuses to explain away the violence and to renew her hope for the relationship.  Often women avoid accepting the reality that they are being abused by comparing themselves to others who have endured more extreme acts of physical and psychological abuse.  Their own situations then seem much less serious and much less dangerous. This minimizing of the abuse downplays its seriousness.  

A woman's reasons for staying however, are more complex than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser.  If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman.  Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work. At some level. a woman weighs the relative costs and benefits for herself.
Reasons why a woman may not immediately leave her  abusive situation:
    She realistically fears that the batterer will find her and become more violent; maybe even injuring her fatally if she attempts to leave.
    She feels she has no place to go:  She may be unaware of community resources and of her rights to use them.
    Economic dependence.  The degree to which she is economically dependent upon her spouse will be the final factor in whether or not she feels she can exist independently. A positive attitude can mean very little, without the means to live independently.  Lack of training, skills, and not wanting to go on welfare can keep her in the relationship.  If there are children, she will often feel that having a father is more important than anything she can offer her children. She know the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances and fears poverty if she leaves - she is unsure of her ability to keep her children and support them on her own.  In fact, her spouse may often threaten to take the children away if she attempts to leave.
    Guilt:   He says the marital problems are her fault and that she caused his problems. She believes him. She sees it as her failure to meet his needs and assumes the blame for the abuse expending energy uselessly trying to determine how to avoid provoking her spouse. Societal factors tend to hold women responsible for the emotional well-being of the family members, so she feels responsible for holding the family together in times of crisis.  The batterer may also use guilt to trigger her (perhaps addictive) love for him.
    Promises of change: She believes her spouse when he promises her (over and over) that he will never do "it" again. Often she still loves him and wants very badly for her marriage and her life to be successful. If he will change, she does not have to face the responsibility to make a change. "Learned hopefulness".
    Learned Helplessness:  The feeling of passivity and paralysis  which begin when a woman is battered - often reinforced by the response of family and friends who blame the woman or don't believe it really happened. She often has feeling of loneliness and inadequacy when facing the blank wall of non-understanding, unsupportive friends, relatives and community members. The attitude that family "problems" are private increases her feelings of isolation and fear. She feels there is no hope so no use trying to change anything. Often she has no experience in independent decision-making and is told by her spouse that she is crazy. Being dependent on him increases her chances of acceptance (at least partially) of this perception. She is extremely unsure of her ability to cope with the "outside world", and this increases her fear of insanity.
    Fear:  The fear a battered women experiences is paralyzing; fear of staying, of leaving, of coping on her own. She fears  that she is walking an emotional tightrope, and the more oppressive the fear becomes the more difficult to escape. She fears to even contact a helping agency, knowing this may prompt an attack. He threatens to find and kill her and her children if she leaves.  Leaving does not mean that the fear disappears. Often it increases, since she never knows when the attack will come. Fear is a tremendous control. (excerpts from "Violence Begins at Home")
    Isolation: Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to run. The more isolated she is, the more dependent on her spouse she is for any input about her value as a person or her options in life.
    Learned behaviour: Abused women may come to regard abuse as a normal part of marriage. Societal attitudes often assume a man's right to use physical violence against his wife.  She may have witnessed violence in her own family for years. Violence is woven into our cultural fabric (e.g. Rambo, video games etc.)
    Denial and minimization of the situation: The woman will minimize the negative aspects of her situation and often the very real danger she is in. Things aren't bad all the time (honeymoon phase in the cycle of violence). She tries to be optimistic that "things will get better."
    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: When a person lives in unending terror/stress, their ability to resist gets worn away. They become confused, exhausted, and lack the energy needed to make changes.

Although there is no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in virtually all countries, cultures, classes and income groups. It is a complex and multifaceted problem with individual solutions that are appropriate for different women in different soci-cultural contexts.
Short-term measures consist of assistance programs that protect the individual woman who has been or is being abused. They often focus on the critical period after a woman leaves her home, providing her with food, shelter, and guidance. This is the period when a woman is most at-risk from the perpetrator seeking retribution, or when she might return to the home out of a sense of hopelessness.  
Long-term measures seek to educate the public and empower the woman to re-establish her life free from abuse to stop the cycle of violence.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP
More needs to be done to challenge the social structure that allow women and children to be abused.  We need to take measures to improve the position of women and children in society to address the root causes of violence.

Support organizations that help people deal with violence. This could include your local women's shelter, advocacy centre or child protection or animal welfare agency. Your support could improve the help that is available and how quickly they get it.

Support parenting and school programs that look at teacher training and curriculum. All children must learn from an early age that oppression and violence of any kind are not acceptable. This is more possible if they learn in school not be sexist, racist, or homophobic (anti-gay).

Explore positive ways to discipline children.  Seek ways to discipline them that aren't physical. Be aware that other ways you deal with your children can affect them emotionally e.g. children get strong messages from the way you speak to them. Expose them to positive caring kinds of physical touch; that way they will know the difference if they are being abuses.

Talk openly with your children about abuse. How you talk to them may depend on their age, but tell them they have a right to be free from abuse of any kind from anyone, including family members.

Challenge stereotypes of women and families in the media and in common communication.

Establish and maintain positive and respectful relationships with others. By doing so, you teach your child how to live with and care for people of all ages.

Organize your community to demand that there be less violence on television and other media, including films, print material and video games.

Speak out against human and animal rights violations of any kind, including social structures that result in discrimination and poverty. It is important for children to see adults around them who will not tolerate any types of violence. This can be either personal, or violence that is part of the larger system. Animal abuse is closely linked to abuse of human beings, and may be a sign that family violence is occurring. Animals, too, deserve to be respected and treated well.

Demand that programs be made available for disadvantaged people in your community - job creation programs, low income housing, priority housing for people fleeing abusive relationships, shelters and transition homes, and free or low-cost counselling programs for victims of family violence.

No one deserves to be abused, no matter what their gender, age, race, culture, religious faith, sexual orientation, or ability.